Rearview Mirror

Friends, good morning from New York City, where your good friend Sarah finished up a day in the Kitchen yesterday and is getting ready to head back in for another shift today.

 

This morning has been a whirlwind of my other life:  negotiating budgets for my new client contracts, confirming board meeting dates for my trip back to Minnesota in February, reviewing cardiac data (pericardial effusions, patent foramen ovales, sudden cardiac arrest data) for one project while writing responses to an FDA inspection comment for another client.  My worlds are blurred, as I wait for my Kitchen apron to dry and throw on my medical scrubs to wear under my Chef coat today.

 

Life is busy and happy, and I finally am cleaning house from the people in my life who take energy out of it and making more room for the people who put energy into it.  This should not be so hard a concept, but sometimes, I forget to pay attention to these things, in my zeal and zest to be a giver, a nurturer, a caretaker. 

 

The problem with being this way---this happy, happy, way---is that you are never done.  There will always be people who just….take whatever they can, and then turn around and mock you for being too kind, for trying too hard, for being too nice.  One guy I invested a bit of time in, in a slow way, over a number of years, actually said, “No one wants a partner who tries so hard.”  It floored me.  I had about 4.8 seconds of sadness.  I thought about about ‘our story’ which I had thought about so many times…sometimes with happy dreaminess, sometimes with pure frustration.  And I thought to myself, “What would I tell my goddaughters if they were in a similar situation with a man who told them that no one wanted to be with someone who tried so hard and was too kind?”  And I was ashamed of myself.

 

I was ashamed of the time I had put in.  I was ashamed of the way I believed in him, no matter what stories popped up.  I was ashamed that I had my blinders on so long, as always, doing my best to see the best in him, when all this time, my being ‘too nice’ and trying too hard was not something he held dear and sweet and was grateful for but used those things I like best about myself against me, to hurt me, to make sure it hurt.  And it did.  For 4.8 seconds.  Then I thought about what my Sous Chefs would say to me in this moment, because just like in the Kitchen, we don’t have time for stuff like this, we do not have time to feel bad or sad or anything negative and really just want to keep moving ahead to good things.  I thought to myself what we always say in that Kitchen.  I thought to myself, “F*ck that guy.”

 

It doesn’t mean he is a bad guy.  He is not.  It does not mean he is a bad person or jerk.  He is not any those things.  It does not mean I wish bad things for him, because I do not.  He is fun and funny, he can be thoughtful and get my attention in our conversations like not may could.  There were moments I could see incredible little dreams that we could actually make happen, together, in the maybe/if/woulda/coulda/shoulda moments.  He is not a bad guy at all, and I do not want to hear one word about him that is negative.  When I care for someone, even when it ends, they will be spoken of with respect.

 

I only wish happiness for him, because it eludes him, often, and because he is someone I cared about a lot, for a long time.  There were moments of interesting potential, but with those few words, that complete disregard of who I am and what I am about and what my core values are, I do not need to worry anymore about what he thinks or how he feels or how he sees me, because he does not see me how I see me, how the people most important to me see me and understand me, or if he does…he does not value it whatsoever.

 

Friends, I said my gentle goodbyes to this one, because I do not have time or space or heart or energy to maintain any nice-ness or trying with someone who does not appreciate it.  There are plenty of people in this world who see the kindness and understand that I do not need or want anything back from it except to be appreciated and to hear a thank you once in a while.  Sure, if I was a better person I would not need even that, but I am imperfect, and I also like to be appreciated, only in the sense that I want the people I am kind to, to see and feel how wonderful it is to have someone that cares about them.  I do not need lots of presents or things, I need a hug.  Awareness of kindness is so powerful that it shifts things inside and helps us want to do more kind things for others.  I live my life with this philosophy at my core, and anyone who does not see that can stay on the periphery as I hold the people I love best even closer. 

 

“Nobody wants a partner that tries so hard” was the stupidest and best thing that guy could ever say to me.  I lost all respect for him in that moment, and I realized right then that the only person not trying hard enough?  Was him.  The only person who did not want a partner like me?  Was him.  Having those realizations in the 6.2 seconds after I was done being hurt made me make the decision to cut things off in the other 4 seconds of the 15 second interaction.

 

Never wait for someone to change their mind…they will not, no matter how many times you try to convince yourself. 

 

Instead of seeing me as someone he was lucky to have in his life, he saw me weak, as not worthy. I do not see myself this way.  I see myself as generous—and I love that about myself.  I did not turn into a jerk when I became successful, I worked hard to be generous and to share adventures with the people I love best, and I do those things, every day.

 

I see myself as thoughtful and positive, as kind and feisty, sure, and a ballbuster sometimes, true too, but I do my part to make things right when I need to, always.  I do not see myself as no one wanting to partner with me---I see the opposite.  I see lots of people who want to partner with me, but I am careful, I am so very careful, not to let people too close who do not love me exactly how I am:  imperfect, not the prettiest girl, not the skinniest girl, but the girl you can count on, always, to be right there, with a hug and a heart, and who would have your back, always.

 

So f*ck that guy, in a nice way, not a mean or bitter way, because in those 15 seconds, all the feelings were just….gone.  I have always been able to see the big picture in about 15 seconds, which is how I climbed my way into 2 businesses and traveled the world and hit the jackpot when it comes to Friends.  I have exactly the life I want to have by being me, even before this guy or any other came into the picture, and I will continue to have this life, always.

 

This is not a day for any sadness or mean words towards him or anyone else.  This is a day to say “thank you” to him for giving me a reason to let myself go, because I can, and because I did, and it looks like I owe my Sous Chef, once again, a grateful thanks for teaching me to call things like I see them and just move on, because we just don’t have time to waste on anything else, not when things in life are so exciting and so very good.

 

To my goddaughters and nieces I would say to always check in with the people who love you best when you doubt yourself.  It is ok to spend time with lots of different people as you date, in order to learn exactly who you are and what you, yourself are about.  Today I learned how much I really like all the things he really didn’t, and that, right there, is what happiness is all about.

 

Wishing you a day filled with people who can help you be at your best, even when they never intended that in the first place.  Some people are sent into your life not to be the princes, but instead to show you the path, and that is what he did for me.  For this, I will always be grateful, and I will always say a thank you to him for our time together as I wish him well, while looking in my rearview mirror and getting ready to hug my Sous Chefs in thanks for yet again another life lesson in the Kitchen.

 

Lots of love from New York,

Your Good Friend Sarah