Oui

Friends, good morning from beautifully sunny New York City, soon to be Brussels, Belgium, from your good friend Sarah.

 

I lived in Brussels part- and then full-time for 3 years, and I am really, REALLY looking forward to going back and hugging all the Friends there that I miss so much.  I am also thrilled to have time with my clients in person, as that is critically important, so much so, that I will book a flight just to be there for 72 hours, in order to close final details on a deal, to celebrate things, or to make sure we see each other in person, just to stay connected.  I am also incredibly lucky to have gotten to know excellent men during my time in Brussels, and I am really looking forward to reconnecting with the most important one.  This little trip is for my business, yes and oui, but this little trip is also just for me.

 

There comes a time in life, as a happy, single woman, when you have to choose if you want to be a parent (I do not, but I would make a fine, fine stepmom since I know how NOT to replace the kids’ “real” mum and instead just be another adult in their life who just, simply, loves them).  I adore kids, but I will not be birthing any.  Are we done having that conversation now?  God I hope so.

 

As a single woman you must also decide if you want a husband.  I do not.  This makes most people very uncomfortable, because there is this strange societal expectation that you must be partnered to be happy, ESPECIALLY if you are a woman, and I do not agree with that at all.  I wish more people in my life were NOT partnered and WERE actually happy, come to think of it, but not everyone is able to make those choices, for a variety of reasons, and I understand that, too.  I, however, am happy being single, even as I thoroughly enjoy courtship and connection and am LOVING dating in New York.  That said, I have no desire to get married again.

 

I had a marriage, and it was a mistake on both of our parts, but we owned up to that, and it ended fine.  We certainly don’t hate each other, and we realized we got married too early and were not actually compatible.  I no longer need to be married to be happy, and it turns out, I never did.  I have been lucky to quietly date some of the best men, the most interesting men, I could hope for, and this is because I choose carefully rather than having just anyone take the spot next to me in my life, for a week or a year or a longer chunk of time.  I refuse to be in a relationship that is not actually happy.  I know myself and was brave enough to have those hard conversations with my own self, and because I took the time to really figure out who I am and what I actually want (instead of what everyone else thinks I should want), I am happy, really happy, just as I am.  I even finally had the conversations with my Family to help them adjust to the information that they, too, should stop expecting me to have someone to bring home and pose with me in pictures, and that it is up to my siblings to provide the nieces and nephews and grandchildren, because I will not be bringing anyone home as my partner or husband.  I simply do not want that.

 

Some people in my life want, demand, even, explanations for my choices, because my choices confuse them and perhaps present to them a reality they did not consider as they, too figured out their path of what makes them happy.  I upset the apple cart in the way I live sometimes, but I do not have to explain myself to anyone.  Sometimes I give a flip answer, pointedly letting them know it is none of their business who I sleep with or if I do and whether or not we love each other for realz or what role we have in each other’s lives.  I am a strong, independent woman who has ideas about how life should be, and I do not expect anyone---Friends or luvaahhhs or boyfriends or my previous husband, to understand or accommodate or fit.  I do not need someone to fit, because these choices are mine as Sarah, not made for anyone but me, and I am happy just as I am.  Sure, sure, it might be nice to have someone to take to the company holiday party or on vacation, but I also like to do those things with lots of different people or mostly, by myself.  I like the freedom of it all.  I like the looking forward to seeing each other instead of living on top of each other in a small space with the simple goal of raising offspring.  That never appealed to me, except if there was space in between for us to also have time alone together, and time for me, by myself, my happy little self.  Which brings me back to Brussels.

 

Brussels is the place where I figured all of this out and got not only comfortable with it, but relieved and happy with that knowledge that I was not like everyone else.  Every time I tried to be like everyone else I was incredibly unhappy.  I cannot be that and still be Sarah, and so I stopped trying to be anything but me.  I will always love Belgium because I met the most important people in my life who helped me figure that out, and this trip back will reconnect me with many of them, but one in particular.

 

Today, I look SO forward to seeing one of the favorite men in my life, the man who can just say the WORDS that he wants his hand in mine, over a glass of champagne, whether or not we talk out loud or only look at each other with understanding and love and quiet little laughing as we just….look at each other.  Whether or not we have any future or no future, it does not matter in how we gently love each other, and always will, in a very simple way.  It is not complicated, it has no structure, it is easy and welcoming, warm and thoughtful, always.  Whether or not we have a minute or a night or a lifetime, it does not matter to me, because we have had this time together, these conversations that changed me and my life and helped me find my very own happiness.  Knowing him has changed me, for the better, for always, and he has a very, very special place in my heart.

 

He is imperfect and impetuous, sometimes pouting, sometimes feisty, always clever, always so smart, always so global in his perspective and so authentically himself, which is the most attractive thing about him, to me.  He is French in all the best ways….ridiculously handsome, often direct, exquisitely flirtatious, sometimes aloof, sometimes with the slightest hint of arrogance, but always with a sort of sensual appreciation of all of the simplest pleasures in life---from good linens to how to be excellent at your job in the ‘right’ way, to how to order from a menu, how to be generous of heart, and most wonderfully, exactly how to put his hand on the small of my back as we walk through a restaurant.  God I love that.  That simple gesture of being a man---I just love it.  Nothing makes me feel sexier as a woman than a man who knows how to just BE with me, strong and feisty as I am, too, because God knows I am all those things, and I will not be changing.

 

We always tell each other the truth, and we know that given the choices in life—me here, him there, other big things in careers and life that will always be in the way of us being “actually” together, for realz, it does not matter, it does not change things.  He is adored by many, but I know that I am one of the people he has let into his life, to be close with him, not for always, not consistently (because I would bolt, for sure), but for key moments, which is all that we need.  I feel special with him, and I always have.  He is the one who can see me hurting and hug me from afar, with the perfect words and his perfect mouth, and I love him in a very, very simple way, not some big fabulous way, but a simple, clean way, just for that.  It is not even quite romantic love, it is more a love of an incredibly lovely friendship, and it always will be, no matter what comes or goes.

 

And the best part?  He lets me know that I do the same for him, which is what makes me happiest of all.  Oh, Friends, to be appreciated…is that not what we all want?  Just to be Seen and Heard and appreciated?  Oui.  It’s so simple, so very, very simple.  Nothing lights me up like that, nothing, and this is why I am so insistent that you and I have those conversations about life and what you REALLY feel instead of what you tell people you feel.  That is the only way to actually BE happy, after all.

 

 

I do not need him, I do not need promises or obligations, expectations or rules, and I certainly do not need an agenda of when we will see each other again.  I do not want him as a constant, but I want him in my life, always, just far enough and close enough, because he and I have that intangible lovely connection that only comes around once in a while.  It is not just sex.  It is not just cleverness.  It is not just knowing how to tease each other or soothe each other or be present at moments that are important, like the loss of a parent, when each of us reaches out to the other before anyone else, only to hear 8 words of comfort and no more:  “I am thinking of you and sending strength” in a way that no one else could comfort in that horrible, stripped down vulnerable place of feeling…lost.  It is humanity in its most simple form, of I See You and I Understand You and I Care About You in the way that you need, when you need it, no questions asked.  We do that for each other, not every day, because we do not rely on each other for the every day, but we know the other is there, to be supportive, always.  We chose not to have a lifetime together, and that was the best decision we could have made, because it gave us what I needed after all, and that is my freedom, because it turns out I never wanted to be completely partnered anyway.  The thought of being trapped like that…ugh, the anxiety of it all….ech, no thank you, no matter how wonderful he is.

 

I do not need to stay connected to him every day, but when we are connected, it is instant, it is perfect, it is…right, not for always, not forever, not for anything of routine, not as the Man of my Life, but exactly what I want and need at this moment, before I jump into something exquisitely new and potentially wonderful in completely different ways.  We adore each other, and we always have.

 

I am happy as I pack for Brussels and think of how, the moment I land at the airport, he will kiss me immediately, gently, and firmly, all at once, without any words except, “Good flight?” as he takes my luggage and barely even listens for my response of a quick, breathy, “Oui,” before his mouth again finds mine and we lace fingers and have just a few moments together, before I go take on the world, yet again.  He will never be the Man of my Life, because we considered that and talked about that and let that idea go, but we will always have Brussels, and for that, I am happy in exactly the way I hoped and wanted to be.  You see, Friends, sometimes your Prince Charming is not for happily ever after in the way you first thought it would be, but he is there in exactly how he is meant to be, helping you sort out the direction you really wanted to go in the first place, and for that, I am happy and grateful.

 

May we all have people like this in our lives, who help us find ourselves when we are a bit lost and just need a little pointing in the right direction. For a moment or a lifetime, I found my path because of him, and for that, I am grateful and happy today.

 

With lots of love from New York, soon to be Belgium,

Your Good Friend Sarah