Top 20 Things Not to Say at Christmas Dinner

Friends, your good friend Sarah has once again been thinking of you today, and I would like to share some advice about what not to say at Christmas dinner.  I made this list when I lived in Belgium and thought it was high time to bring it back for a refresher.

 

Whatever you celebrate, there are bound to be family members nearby who simply don’t understand that some things should not be said aloud at the table but rather should be whispered in the hallway or discussed in great detail in the car on the way home. 

 

I’ve gathered these over the years at dinners with families of friends and ex-boyfriends, with my own family and listening in on far too many loud cell phone conversations at airports.   May I suggest that you consider posting this on your refrigerator, near the group of Aunties cooking in the kitchen, or in the area of your home that allows smoking, as this is where the down and dirty family gossiping usually takes place.  I can’t make this stuff up.  Alright, here we go:

 

1)   Raymond, put on another shirt so that family can’t tell which of your nipples is pierced this time.

2)   Which one of you rearranged the Christmas blocks from “Joy to the World” to “Who Tooted?”

3)   Captain Crunch?  What the?!  You gave me a case of Captain Crunch for Christmas?  Worst present ever.  EVER.  I hate you.

4)   Mom told me you were an accident.

5)   I know your girlfriend is vegetarian, but chicken soup IS vegetarian.

6)   The 12 Days of Christmas forgot one thing:  what about the day my true love gave me gonorrhea after she slept with my best friend? 

7)   It’s a .357 magnum, Karen.  Do you like it?

8)   No, you certainly cannot tell people you had an immaculate conception, because everyone knows that you and that perv Ronnie do it all the time in the back of dad’s car.

9)   Before the end of the night I swear to God I’m cutting your hair.

10)               We spent all the Christmas money you and dad gave us on scratch off lottery tickets.

11)               It’s the same ring I gave Tina, but she gave it back and now I’m giving it to you.

12)               Put on a belt or pull your pants up or I’m going to start throwing quarters down there until your ass plays Jingle Bells with every step.

13)               Sharla, help me understand why I saw our family phone number and your name written next to it on the Grand Tavern bathroom wall. 

14)               What do you mean your cousin is gay?  What does being cheerful have to do with anything? 

15)               You want the gift that keeps on giving?  How about a swift kick in the pants?

16)               Gerald, you know I don’t like it when you refer to the 3 Wise Men as Jesus’ Threesome.

17)               Fran, I told you a thousand times not to bring a salad.  My list to you specifically said to bring cheese, sausage and crackers.  We always have cheese, sausage and crackers.  You’ve ruined Christmas, I hope you know that.  Thanks a lot, Fran.  Christmas.  Ruined.  Thanks a whole lot.

18)               Your cousin and his girlfriend are probably humping on the coats again in the guest bedroom.  Dad says you should go check on them.

19)               Yeah, well, the Angel of the Lord shown round about you and busted you for getting high at school again.  Merry Christmas, you idiot. You’re grounded.

20)               Jeremy, when the family sings together, don’t you dare fart in time along with “Deck The Halls.”

    And so, my Friends, as another Christmas approaches, may I once again suggest that we remember only happy Christmas stories as we welcome each other to the table with kindness.  Today is a day to be grateful for simply being together, no matter how awkward that gathering might be.  Worst case, you get to tell some awfully funny stories at work after the holiday break.  I am grateful for you and wish you a week of simple joy and wonder as we remember the true spirit of Christmas.

 

  With love from New York, soon to be Minneapolis,

  Your Good Friend Sarah