Happiness is: A Little Top and Bottom in the Kitchen

Friends, good morning from New York, where your good friend Sarah continues to be humbled on a daily basis.

In my line of medical work, as I progressed up the corporate ladder, a big company I used to work for put me on The Path, which means I was identified as a leader and sent through a professional coaching process. In this process, I was put through multiple simulations of situations so that expert psychologists could gauge my reactions and let the company know if I was, indeed, leadership material.  Over the course of the coaching, I had to perform odd tasks as if I was going through my day as upper management: reviewing emails, prioritizing responses, delegating tasks, managing budgets, communicating information and expectations, and navigating sensitive ethics.  I had to role play firing someone.  I had to role play giving praise, giving good news and bad news and changed news.  I had to review documents and prepare summaries for management above me, management below me, and the overall organization I managed.  It was bizarre, and it took a lot of time.  It cost them about $25,000, no joke.  This company paid just under the median salary of a family of four, to have me evaluated.  I scored a 98%.  I beat my then current boss by 1%.  He never let me forget it.

 

The problem and the good news about me knowing my results is that I realized I was better than I ever in a million years thought I was.  I never considered myself to be a leader, but looking back, I always was:  Student Body President, Newspaper Editor, lead in the plays, solo performer, conference leader, project manager, teacher, professor.  I should not have been surprised, but I never saw myself that way, maybe because I was so busy trying to please people and Accomplishing Great Things instead of living life and taking time to take it all in.  It took me looking at myself from someone else’s perspective to tell me who and what I was, because I had never filtered my world that way.  Don’t get me wrong---I still have PLENTY to learn, but I never thought of myself as anything special or different or, I suppose, “worthy” of being “chosen” to lead. 

 

Once I figured it out, and once I realized I scored higher than my boss, I realized my own potential, which is a double-edged sword.  Suddenly I knew what I could do with my life, and opportunities and ideas came flooding in.  I knew I could not stay in that golden parachute job, I could not parrot corporate speak I did not believe 100%, I could not do and say the things managers are expected to do and say “for the best of the company” in a higher and higher role.  One day, after learning entrepreneurship in my master’s program alongside cadaver work alongside vascular surgeons, and after learning myself well enough, I knew things had to change in order to preserve my sanity and be true to myself.  Only after some really difficult situations, where I was given information and situations I knew I would not be able to lead, since my internal beliefs and choices and expectations put on me in situations that I was expected to follow did not align.  For all of you lawyers out there, I am not disparaging a company that is excellent, I am only stating that our visions of situations did not align.  Allegedly.  And so, I left.  I finished that master’s degree, and I set up my own companies, first one in the US, and then one in Belgium.  I have never been happier, but it has been an incredibly crushing amount of stress and hard work.  I would not have it any other way.

Cue my restaurant gigs.

 

Here in this New York kitchen I now work in, I am the lowest of the low.  I am the student.  I wear an honest to God paper frycook hat, worse than what they wear at McDonalds.  I have to learn from scratch tasks that should be so simple, like using a mandolin to cut perfectly identical slices of apple to make into apple chips coated in a simple syrup and dehydrated until crisp.  These end up “only” being a garnish.  I found the task difficult, because when I cook at home, perfection is not expected---deliciousness is.  I am not so good at keeping the thickness and the pressure of my fingers and thumb just right, steady, through 300 itty bitty slices of apple in order to have each one perfectly identical.  And I must learn this.  I must. This restaurant is about perfection, is about consistency.  Each thickness and shape must be exactly the same.  We get it right every time.  Every plate.  Every single time.  I need to pull my weight, and I do not yet know how to yet, in my hands, though I do in my head.

 

 

This little stage in the kitchen is humbling. I am not the CEO.  I am not the gatekeeper that determines if a surgical case goes forward or not, based on my review of the ridiculously and importantly detailed paperwork, the patient’s medical history, the surgeon’s qualifications and training.  I am the stage.  The student.  The learner.  I take orders and ask for approval rather than giving it. It is such a relief to have this balance in my life again that when asked why I was there, in that kitchen, I jokingly responded, “I am weary of being in charge, and I do not want to burn out.  It’s cheaper than a dominatrix.”  The look on that Chef’s face was priceless, because I think he was not so sure if I was joking or serious because I kept a very serious face while I explained things to this very talented 20-something year old who is still getting to know me.  (For the record, I am not in need of dominatrix services, so don’t go getting all excited.  Everyone knows there can only be one Queen Bee, and we ALL know who that is, ahem.)

 

I’ll tell you what, Friends, there are moments I have to check myself before I wreck myself, because I am used to being the one in charge.  I have to stop and think to myself, “You are the not expert.  Shut the hell up and put your head down and try again and get it right.”  Do not get me wrong, this kitchen is patient and kind, much more than I ever expected, but as a businesswoman I am keenly aware of the cost of inventory, and that means cost per apple.  If I screw up, the restaurant loses money instead of makes money, and that’s on me.  I do not want to let this team down.

 

I feel pressure in a different way here:  not to lead or coach or teach or manage, but instead to learn, to watch and listen and soak up knowledge and practice a million apples and cabbage slices at home, to get it right, because I want to get it right.  This kitchen is hard work, every day, and I love it every day, tired as I am of managing both jobs:  one that pays the bills, and the other that teaches me things that companies would pay $25,000 for.  I do this because I am curious about myself and how I fit again in that role, and because I want to be even better for my clients, my doctors, our patients, and the people in my life.  I learn to be a better teacher by being taught.

 

I chose this restaurant because I feel joy in that kitchen, I feel safe to learn in that kitchen, I feel like I am surrounded by excellence in that kitchen.  I will learn from the best in that kitchen, and let me tell you, I have a lot to learn.  For that, today, I am grateful.  They think I am learning about kitchen skills, but I am learning so very much more from all of them.

 

Friends, today I want to encourage you to put yourself in situations that teach you about yourself from completely different angles.  Flip your life a bit, to understand yourself and the people around you better.  Be on the bottom so that you can be even better when on top. Learn, listen, and never forget that you have people around you who are so much better than you, always.   Do not be dismissive, and instead be open, and take all of those lessons in about apples and cabbage and watching how each different chef teaches the other and how you are perceived and measured and coached and praised.  We have something to learn from everyone, and I am so grateful that I have the opportunity to learn from this team.  I like a little bottom and top in my life, because balance is where I am my happiest, and I am lucky and thankful to have found it here in New York.

 

Wishing you lots of love and a little humility now and then, too.

Love from New York, soon to be Budapest,

Your Good Friend Sarah